Funny story about bathing cats ~ pet owners will giggle lol?

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick


themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in


their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt


where it hides and whisking it away.





I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind


believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the


kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that


cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.





The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look


squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and


announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."





When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice


you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head


for the bathtub:





* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of


concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on


that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an


open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.


If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get


in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were


about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk


cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician


can shift positions.)





* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin


from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to


dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into


high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,


a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.





* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel


when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water.


Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make


sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the


water.





* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to


simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your


strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If


he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a


product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)





* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a


single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,


slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with


shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats


have no handles.





Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically


compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three


seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give


him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free


and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national


record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)





* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part


will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this


point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying


is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by


now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop


the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.


(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your


army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him


loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is


drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the


cat.





In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He


will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a


lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become


psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.





You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As


a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure


you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least


now he smells a lot better.

Funny story about bathing cats ~ pet owners will giggle lol?
Whilst quite amusing and informative your advice fails to take into consideration the aerodynamic capabilities of cats which, when augmented by the streamlining properties of water and applied lubricant ( shampoo) combine to make the cat


(a) friction free and


(b) faster than a speeding bullet.


This combination ( coupled with the cat's natural ability to defy gravity at will ) renders it easily capable of punching a hole through solid rock, bathroom tiles or your shower screen in the time it takes you to say "nice kitty"





Cat bathing is currently being investigated by the Insurance Society as to whether it should be classed as an "Extreme sport" or an "act of war"





Don't try this at home, folks.
Reply:You write wonderfully. I've had to wash a cat or two in my life and you nailed the experience for others. I especially like the part of a few days after the bath, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. Cats are incredibly strong, especially when held against their will.





I don't know your profession but hopefully writing is part of it. Thanks for the delightful "question."
Reply:lol funny!
Reply:Best Line - "Cat's don't have handles"!





Very good!
Reply:catastrophic ending .lol
Reply:hahaha


I read all of that and thoroughly enjoyed it


thx
Reply:my lord god this is long!!


haha


interesting though and funny at parts
Reply:is this instructions available in CD's so i can follow it while bathing the cat?
Reply:FAF!! The clean ones always make me laugh more than the rude ones. Have a star!!
Reply:so, did you do this to your cat? Dose that mean you are skinless?


it was funny.
Reply:My cat once ate a lizard so my sister and i took a picture of my cat and made it into a mugshot. It was adorable and funny!!!!
Reply:100% on this one.
Reply:WHEW that took a while to read. and that waz cool and FUNNY! LOL!
Reply:Haha that was funny and I can just imagine it perfectly in my head!
Reply:and there was me looking for ways of cleaning up my smelly feral cat. don't think i'll bother if its that hard washing a domesticated puss. thanks for putting me off!
Reply:you are very good at these. thank you.
Reply:Pretty funny
Reply:there must be an easier way
Reply:hahahahhahaa!!!!!





Well, your adventure seems more fun then when we wash our cat...





She tries to fight hubby, but she never wins and just gives in...





Him wearing rubber gloves seem to help a lot too
Reply:lol so true.





better than washing a rabbit tho!
Reply:where do you get them all i loved the bit





quicker than a politician


can shift positions.)





you are bloody great thank you
Reply:pmsl....too true!!!!
Reply:haha that was so funny!! ill have to remember this the next time my cat needs a bath...
Reply:LOL! Love it! As the proud owner of 6 cats (4 grown, 2 kittens) I can safely say I will NEVER try this!
Reply:lol, thats good. My cats hate water and stand in the bath like statues. the best bit is when youve attempted to dry them and got fed up and let them go, they look like skinny rats lol
Reply:that is so funny, i got hiccups laughing so much! thanks star for you



treatment