Best mommy jokes or mommy saying?

How it felt to give birth


After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by her bedside throughout the labor delivery and wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally. "Tell, me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth."





"OK, honey," his wife replied. "Smile as hard as you can."





Beaming down at his wife and smile, the man followed her instsuctions. "That's not hard."





She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of you mouth." He obeyed, smiling broadly. "Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on.





"Still not to tough." he remarked.





"Right." she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."





1. When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool.





2. When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep.





3. I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."





4. I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.





5. I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur.





6. I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.





7. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.





8. When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.





9. When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read."





10. I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.





11. I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.





12. When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.





13. I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.





14. When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.





15. I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days

Best mommy jokes or mommy saying?
A little "birdy" told me!





Am I talking to a brick wall?





Are you deaf or something?





Are you lying to me?





As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.





Beds are NOT made for jumping on.





Close the door! You don't live in a barn.





Do as I say, not as I do.





Don't make me get up!





Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes.





Don't talk with your mouth full!





Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!





Eat your vegetables, they're good for you.





Enough is enough!





Go play outside! It's a beautiful day!





How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?





I didn't ask who put it there, I said "Pick it up!"





I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!





I hope someday you have children just like you.





If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (eyebrows, tongue, etc.) He would have put them there!





If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.





If you stick your tongue out again it will fall off.





I'm doing this for your own good.





I'm not going to ask you again.





Isn't it past your bedtime?





It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else.





Life isn't fair.





Look at me when I'm talking to you.





No child of MINE would do something like that.





Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.





Shut the door! I'm not heating (air conditioning) the entire neighborhood!





This hurts me more than it hurts you.





Turn that racket (music) down





What did I say the FIRST time?





What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?





What part of NO don't you understand?





When I was a little girl...





When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.





When you have your own house then you can make the rules!





Who died and left you boss?





You can't start the day on an empty stomach.





You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.





You have an answer for everything, don't you?





You kids are trying to drive me crazy!





You won't be happy until you break that, will you?





You'll understand when you're older.





Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.





Answer me when I ask you a question!





Be good.





Don't ask me WHY. The answer is NO.





Don't cross your eyes or they'll freeze that way.





Don't make me come in there!





Go ask your father.





Go to your room and think about what you did!





How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!





How many times do I have to tell you?





I don't care who started it, I said stop!





I don't know is NOT an answer.





I would have never talked to MY mother like that!





If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!





If I've told you once ... I've told you a thousand times.





If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.





If you don't clean your plate, you won't get any dessert.





I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.





I'm going to give you until the count of three...





It's no use crying over spilt milk.





I've had it up to here with you.





Leave your sister (brother) alone!





Never try on anyone else's glasses or you'll go blind.





Now, say you're sorry...and MEAN it!





Someday your face will freeze like that





The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.





Think of those poor starving children in India... (or China, or Africa.)





Were you born in a barn? Close the door -- and DON'T slam it!





When I was your age...





When you have kids of your own you'll understand.





Why? Because I SAID so, that's why!





You are getting on my last nerve.





You can't judge a book by its cover.





You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.





You just ate an hour ago!





You WILL eat it, and you WILL like it!





You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders!





You will ALWAYS be my baby.





You're going to put your eye out with that thing!





Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!





You're the oldest. You should know better.








All the things our mothers said, I use some to....
Reply:My favorite parenting line is,


"I'm not raising me!"


Whenever my children try that ,"but you did" stuff or anything even close to that, that is my regular comment.


They hate it, but it stops the conversation in their tracks.
Reply:i tell my hubby all the time, and i plan on telling my son when he's old enough, that "you better pray that God puts his arm around your shoulder and his hand over your mouth!"
Reply:the one i always heard the most is "i brougt you into this world, and i can take you out"... but that was only when i was REALLY bad
Reply:Parent speaking to parent!!





Nice one
Reply:my dad always said-- if it aint burnin, mom aint cookin



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